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When faced with this question, I am reminded of Byron Katie’s statement that “suffering is optional.” Suffering is the by-product of what we think, the judgments we hold about ourselves and others and the negative feelings that arise out of these situations. Often these negative emotions translate into dis-ease in the physical body as well as a chronic separation from our intrinsic sense of well being, aliveness and connection. People attribute their suffering to the “bad feelings” and often do personal work because their emotions and their physical bodies are letting them know that they are not feeling well. People commonly battle with emotions such as sadness, grief, anger, fear, anxiety, rage, guilt and shame. Once they are in the workshop or consultation session, they hope that the emotions will leave, get better or end and then their suffering would automatically end as well.

What most people don’t realize is that the emotions themselves are not the problem. They are simply indicators that something else is going on in your life that is causing you to suffer. The path to healing and joy is simply this; we must feel, listen, embrace and release our painful emotions in order to attain the wisdom they hold inside us and open to the joy that is created once the energy of the emotion gets in motion.  A simple statement but how does one do this?

The first crucial piece is to identify and start making friends with your emotions. This does not mean you have to love your sadness, your rage or your depression. What it does mean is that you need to know what you are feeling in order to feel it, so you can start listening to it and then identify where it lies in your body so that you can hear the message it is giving you about the things in your life that need to change.

The answers lie not in your mind, but in your emotions and body. By feeling and voicing them together you naturally discharge blocked or stagnant energy, resistance loosens up and so does the fear that kept you stuck. The point is that you can more easily flow and feel better overall which will improve your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, energetic, and psychic state and quickly maneuver debilitation out of your life.

For many this may seem a tremendous leap in and of itself. For a culture, that places so much importance on thinking, cognition and learning, there is a vast gap in our education on emotions. Many of us have a limited vocabulary for our emotional experiences and may be unaware of even our five major feelings. These are: Fear, Anger, Sadness, Hurt and Shame. During the day we move through hundreds of shades of feelings yet, at their root, they usually connect back to these five. The root lies beneath the experience or judgment you have about someone or something. Identifying the root is to go beyond the suffering thought or behavior and connect with the cause and origin of the patterns. This gets your ENERGY in motion and subsequently your emotions in motion.

Take a moment to think about which feeling you most connect with during the day? What is your default emotion? This is the emotion that you tend to go to first when things in your life are not going the way you want. For example, some people react to change with FEAR and so they commonly feel anxiety or a gnawing sense of nervousness. Others, react to charged situations with anger, these are the people who we describe as having a “short fuse” or “quick to blow.” You may also know people in your lives that tend to feel down a lot of the time; they may describe themselves as “low energy” or “feeling blue.”

Now that you know what you do, the question becomes how do you get from these emotions to the positive end of the emotional spectrum? What is the road from grief, sadness, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and loneliness to JOY, Happiness and Love? See this as a ROAD and not a STEP. I emphasize that because many of us want a quick fix. It is understandable. No one wants to be in pain or to suffer and we all want to feel better and as soon as possible. But we can’t put a band aid on deeply held emotions and expect them to get better. We have to work each day to step and stretch into aliveness by emoting, using emotion as energy in motion.

Babies are really good at this. They feel things acutely, like hunger, needing to be changed, needing to be touched and when they have these experiences they cry to both share their emotions and also to release them. Did you know that babies need to cry for at least ten minutes a day, for no other reason, then just to release energy? What would your life be like if you had a chance everyday to just have a good cry? Or took the opportunity to scream into a pillow? Or beat a punching bag? Just for a few minutes a day, so that the emotions you were feeling, didn’t get stuck in your body, but released and moved out of your body so that you can live in your body and your life with grace and ease.

Now, I know as adults, crying or yelling into a pillow or beating a bag doesn’t seem like something fun to do or maybe you grew up in a family that was unemotional and expression was taboo. For me personally, I grew up with both – the Italian part of my family was very explosive and aggressive and expressive. The Irish side of my family was repressive, silent, withdrawn and isolating. One side geared toward the mother of all reactivity and the other geared toward the father of repression and the mechanism to deal with repression was addiction. So both these examples of my emotional life were extreme, from repression to aggression or aggression to repression depending on the day.

Many of us feel the emotions and we don’t know how to give ourselves the opportunity to release or get those emotions in motion. Instead, we stuff our feelings way deep down in our unconscious, or use food, alcohol, drugs, spending, shopping, sugar, caffeine and more thereby holding those feelings hostage in our bodies. We are left with aches and pains, tension, stress and addictions and we go to the doctor and take prescription medications that generally target the symptom and not the problem. The TV we turn on for hours on end, the extra dessert we eat even though it isn’t good for us, the times we sleep in till noon and we keep talking about the pain in our neck or back, but we don’t deal with the emotions related to our neck or back pain. I have had tremendous success with clients who I simply ask, “if your neck or back could speak what would they say” or “Who comes to mind when you feel the pain in your neck and back?” Once the dialogue begins from the body the emotions have a portal out of the body and the body can go back to healing, flowing, and awakening, releasing and creating.

Sometimes people in my workshops hesitate to punch a bag or beat up a pillow, because they do not want to hurt another person and get their rage out against another. What I always say is that it is much better to release all you feel, in a healthy way, on a punching bag or through running or at the gym, then to inadvertently have it come out in negative energy and anger towards another person, or even in negative thoughts that beat up on yourself. Damage and harm to yourself or another is a red flag for how much emotion is stuck inside you needing expression. There is no excuse for abuse. No matter what you are feeling or what the situation is, if you abuse emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically – you have seriously avoided dealing with your emotions and rather than energy in motion you are an attack in action. EMOTIONS are ENERGY and stuck energy that is not released only creates more unwanted symptoms of dis-ease and emotional imbalance. The only way to health, aliveness and to FEELINGS OF JOY AND HAPPINESS is moving THROUGH not around our emotions.

We move through our emotions in all the ways that I have described thus far:  by finding a way to make a connection with the feelings in our body and using action, movement and vocalization to release the energy. This can involve crying, yelling, dancing, body work, breath-work, going to the gym, journaling, painting or simply allowing a time when we connect with and share our emotions in relationship with another. With even five minutes of undivided attention, we allow the opportunity for the pain to give way to tears, to release, to relief and then joy, happiness and love. Once the shut down energy has moved out of your mind and body, you have the space and clarity inside from which to consciously make decisions and choose different interactions in your relationships and life.

Your emotions are the colors in the canvas of our lives. They add depth and warmth, and aliveness to our daily routine. Without them, our lives would be colorless and dull. Yet, with them out of control, unchecked and un-spoken, we can be caught in a downward spiral that leaves us feeling miserable, isolated, alone and suffering. We then become that which we strongly dislike. Becoming friends with your emotions and moving their energy is the key to living a life of sustained joy and happiness with a sense of deep peace and restfulness inside yourself.

Remember you are not alone. We are all emotional beings and reconnecting with our emotional intelligence is a gift to ourselves and to the world. There are many guides, teachers and souls here to help you on the journey to JOY and radical aliveness!  Remember you are a magnificent being, full of love and light. Your best days are ahead of you and living as the best you is right out in front of you. Don’t let any situation, person, or feeling get you too down or too stuck to emote – raise your awareness, use what you read here today and get your energy in motion. Shine like the divine spark you were made of and live the way your soul aspires you to be.

Live life with joyous abandon and free your soul, doing all you love. Live the life you love by choosing to create how you want it to be or feel and what and who you want it to consist of. You have much more of you to unleash on the world. Get your energy in Motion and EMOTE. Allow the fullest and freest expression of who you are. You are on a journey that takes your Best Self and all the BIG DREAMS you have and turns them into Reality — with every step lived in truth, integrity, and love. Take the leap of faith on you to Live your Best Life!

Our global climate has been looking bleak and somewhat dreary, and it is easy to have all the gloom and doom energy bleed over from the professional world and infiltrate our personal lives. This moment of crisis can also be seen as a potential opportunity; it is the breaking point where it becomes too painful to continue rigid behavior patterns that aren’t working and we become willing to move through the illusion we have been living and leap into a sustainable and satisfying victory in all our relationships. Change begins with you and ends with you, so know have control of every relationship dynamic in your life-even the one in which you feel most “out of control.” The control you have is your behavior and what you do with it. It’s time to get really honest with yourself and look straight in that mirror in order for your relationships to move from conflict to triumph.

I use two models for empowering ourselves from victim to victory: The Victim Triangle and the Circle of Empowerment. Used together and they form a personal tool kit for overcoming relational difficulties and creating healthy relationships.  You can use these models to understand any problem you have been having in any relationship in your life: family, children, partner, friends, co-workers, yourself and even your relationship with things like money, your body and your spiritual practice. Wherever you have relationship there exists the possibility that you are living in the Victim Triangle and the opportunity exists to step into your Circle of Empowerment.

What I know for sure, from using these tools with hundreds of participants in my Life Empowerment Action Programs, is that they WORK!

Getting to know these concepts and applying them in your life AUTOMATICALLY RESULTS IN A PROFOUND POSITIVE TRANSFORMATION of any Relationship and any situation in our life. They are the keys to getting back your power and living in truth, integrity, and love.

The Victim Triangle is a model for understanding unhealthy behaviors and dynamics in any situation or relationship. The Victim Triangle consists of three roles:

1: Victim -The Poor ME Syndrome or what I like to call it PMS. This is the person who feels like the world is against him or her. Victims believe they are helpless and that they have no control over what is happening to them. The victim does not want to accept any responsibility for what happens in his/her life and chooses to take a passive approach fueling its powerlessness. He or she does not take any direct action to create change and continues to participate in unhealthy situations that fuel the story of helplessness. The victim will always blame things outside of her/himself as responsible for their circumstances and does nothing to change it other than complain.

Common Victim Statements are: Nothing I do is good enough, I’m working as hard as I can, I can’t earn any more, Poor Me, Nobody gets me, Nobody knows how hard I try, and I’m dumb, stupid, hopeless, worthless, powerless, or helpless.

2: The Persecutor – Persecutors always have their finger pointing out at someone else and are often angry, resentful, and enraged at the world around them for being the cause of their frustration. As you can probably guess, it is very easy to go from victim to persecutor and blame everyone else for your problems. It is a temporary fix from hopelessness to a false sense of power through the destruction of another. Persecutors are skilled in the art of emotional blackmail, what has been written as FOG: Using FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT to get you to do what they want. Underneath the blaming and the rage lies deep pain and feelings of helplessness at not having their needs met. We have to remember in talking about the triangle, that these behaviors and roles are simply maladaptive ways we learned to get what we needed. Underneath every victim, persecutor, or rescuer is a person who wishes to be loved and appreciated and who has not learned how to share his or her feelings or needs in a way that is empowered and direct. YOU is the main word in the persecutor’s vocabulary and Blame and Judgment the Common Theme!

Common Persecutor Statements are: It’s All Your Fault, I Blame You, You are Not good Enough, You Never Do What I want or I Hate You.

3: Rescuer- The rescuer role is taken on by those of us who believe that others “need” our help. In their effort to help others, what rescuers are often seeking is a stronger sense of themselves; helping others becomes their identity and there is a pervasive tendency to avoid what needs to be done for themselves. The rescuer feels like he or she is nothing unless someone needs them, and will often help others at the expense of their own needs.

Common Rescuer Statements are: I can do it, I don’t need anything, I’m Fine, How are YOU?, I can Fix it and I can Help You. Or what I like to add is “I’ll do it for you so I don’t have to focus on me or my life!”

What’s important to recognize here is that what makes these statements part of the Victim Triangle, rather than simply helpful, loving, suggestions is the PLACE INSIDE that they are stemming from. For a rescuer, helping others arises as an attempt to avoid difficult feelings, needs and one’s self through compulsively helping or rescuing another. The victim isn’t simply sharing his or her appropriate feelings about a situation, their attitude and actions are emerging from a place of powerlessness and lack of personal responsibility. The persecutor is not someone getting in touch with healthy anger; instead they are acting defensively and blaming others for their circumstance. Each of these roles is a maladaptive effort to gain power from a deep seated sense of powerlessness.

The Victim Triangle is something we all have in common. It is a way of being in which all of us participate in and which turn our relationships and our lives into a nightmare.  While many of us have a role we easily default too, it is normal to dance around the triangle many times during a day, an hour, or even a minute. Can you see how easily a victim, who feels trapped and helpless by her situation, may suddenly get angry and persecute her circumstances, and then feel guilty for lashing out and try to rescue and make nice and then end up feeling like a victim again. You can go around that triangle a million times, and no matter what role you pick, you are always feeling like a Victim. It is impossible to feel your personal power within the Triangle and the only way out is stepping into The Circle of Empowerment by identifying where you are at in the triangle.

The Circle of Empowerment is healthy choice, personal power and utter empowerment. It gives us purpose and passion and a certain sense of control when in any relationship. It gives us choice so that we can behave in any relationship in our life, grounded in our selves, and making decisions and taking action from a place of truth, integrity, and love. It is a circle unique to you and moreover defined by you and about you. The triangle was taught to you, you lived in the environment in which you adapted unknowingly. The circle is your power dance of how it feels right for you to be in any given dynamic, with anyone. The circle is your freedom and the triangle is your obstacle.

So how do we use the circle of empowerment to move out of the triangle?  Well, first we have to start where we are by identifying where it is that we are stuck in the victim triangle. If you find yourself in conflict, ask yourself are you feeling like a victim, acting like a persecutor or deflecting like a rescuer? Once that is identified, walk yourself from one role to the other in the triangle to begin seeing what you are doing outside of yourself. First, you must stop the interaction you are in that triggered the triangle dynamics as you can identify when you or another is playing the triangle game.

For example, if your partner asks you to do something repeatedly and you still are following their request, you may feel anger and snap at them (persecutor) then feel bad for doing so (rescuer) then feel worthless for being asked once again fueling possibly your story of not being a good partner (victim). Once identified and out of the dynamic you have begun the circle of empowerment work. You have made a conscious and mindful choice to say no to drama and say yes to victory. Making this choice is a step into your Personal Power and your ticket out of the Triangle into the Circle of Empowerment. Once you are acting from and in touch with your Personal Power and your Power of Choice, you are no longer a victim to any situation.

How will you know when you are in the Circle of Empowerment? The first sign is to understand that you are now in the center of a circle, and no longer stuck in a corner/point of a triangle. The energy is in an “ebb and flow” harmony and not in the form of trying to escape from one side to another side without having time to pause and comprehend where you are. There are four integrated correlations in the Circle of Transformation – each correlations brings you deeper into that most inner circle of Self-Empowerment

1. Conscious and mindful Choice making: Being aware of the fact that every choice/decision we make has meaning, significance and purpose behind it. That in every given moment we make a choice and have the power of choice of who we want to be, how we want to act and what we want people to think or know about it. Each moment, every day is conscious choice. Example: I consciously chose to eat organic food. MEANING: organic food is healthy for me. SIGNIFICANCE: healthy food is one of the keys to well-being. PURPOSE: My goal is to live a healthy life so that I may be productive and contribute to the health of the Cosmos. Why is this self-empowering? Because I have made a choice that is centered, grounded and brings purpose to my goals.
2. Focused Intention and Guided Alignment: Each choice/decision that we make needs to be in alignment with our life mission or our personal vision for ourselvesg. When I make a decision to “act” on something I must check and reevaluate if the decision I made is in alignment with my vision and brings me closer to it. If not, the risk remains to be in the victim triangle. Example: If my intention is to take an active part in changing society’s awareness about Global Warming and I choose to eat organic food, in order to be in alignment with my decision and my vision I need to understand why organic food can help issues of global warming and that by me buying and eating organically I am tangibly making a difference and supporting a worthy external cause, which is in alignment with my internal vision
3. Spoken in Truth, Integrity and Love: This is the “Am I being 100% genuine and authentic in this new action or behavior? Is it in my highest and best interest? Is my higher being the voice that is being heard or are the tricksters (mask, shadow or ego) trying to get away with “non-integrous” play? If you can say to yourself that “what I have chosen to do is my 100% truth, that it is in 100% integrity of who I am and I am lead to do so out of unconditional love for myself and for others” then you am can be assured that what you are doing is in the circle of empowerment. Any doubts are a sign that some issues still need to be dealt with and that you are not grounded 100% in your choice.
4. Grounded in Compassion, Kindness and Acceptance – internally and externally. Ask yourself, “Does my decision cause intentional harm to others? If yes, it needs to be redefined because any choice made in the circle of transformation must embody compassion and kindness and acceptance of self and others. Harm is a form of the victim triangle.

These are the four principals, the touchstones you must come back to, as you make any decision in relationship from the Circle of Empowerment. Some affirmations to work with while learning the Circle of Empowerment are: This is my life; I choose how to live it, I am worthy and deserve the best, There is plenty for me in the universe, I am a unique manifestation of the divine, I have gentle loving-kindness for myself, which allows me to develop compassion for others, I speak directly and responsibly to those I have issues with, I change how I perceive my circumstances and my perception changes my reality, My self-worth does not depend on the approval of others, Being responsible for my life does not mean that I am alone, and I have real and trusted support around me.

With these two models in hand, you can confidently step into the world of relationships and move from the stuck and disempowered roles of the Victim Triangle, to the Abundant and Empowered Manifestations grounded in the Circle of Empowerment! Enjoy your Relationship Victories! Remember, every moment of every day is a choice to reinvent who you want to be in each relationship. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

With Abundant Blessings, Dr. Lisa